Your continent has five subregions. And it is your continent: if you didn’t think God has a sense of humor consider this: Eritreans, Ethiopians and all Habesha-types are fond of saying “I am not black, I am Habesha!” So, who is the world’s most famous Eritrean now? An American of Eritrean ancestry. And what does she look like?
LOS ANGELES, CA – JULY 13: Actress Tiffany Haddish attends the premiere of “Girls Trip” at Regal LA Live Stadium 14 on July 13, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic)
Yes! So back to your continent and its five subregions: Eastern, Western, Northern, Southern and Central. Your leaders decided that they would like to rotate the chairmanship of the African Union (AU) for one year term from each sub region and, this year, it is the turn of the Easterners (“Go East!”) and that’s why Rwanda’s Paul Kagame is the chairman of the AU. And he didn’t even have to amend the constitution reluctantly agree to his supporters initiating a referendum to amend the constitution to do it. He takes over from Guinean Alpha Conde (no relation to Alpha Blondy) who was the first freely-elected president of the country because he had been running for president since he was born in 1938.
When is it the turn of the Northerners? You didn’t ask (“Go North!”) but that would be in 2019, and it would be Egypt’s turn. Not just Egypt, but its president, Abdulfetah “congratulations, we solved our problems” Sisi. But, you say, Sisi is running for election to be Egypt’s president, now, in 2018: how does the African Union know he will win in 2018 and be chairman of AU in 2019? Really? That’s your question? You can find the answer in this question: how did Sisi, who conducted a coup and got Egypt thrown out of the AU manage to be a member and its next chair? Exactly:
The African Union is, above all else, African. No, really: that is one of “the values to guide and govern the functioning and operations” of your continent: Think Africa Above All. What could be more African than that?
My name is Moussa Faki: I speak French and you don’t
Actually, that is one of the visions of the African Union Commission and not the African Union. What is that, you ask. Actually, what you are asking is: whatever happened to this guy? <——- ? Nothing: he is still the boss of the African Union Commission, which is the secretariat of the African Union. For that job, there is an actual competition: no damn rotation will do. That’s when you find out that your continent actually gives a damn about tribes you didn’t know existed, tribes called “Francophones” and “Anglophones.” Those are political tribes, and because politicians practice them, they are not taboos. I am sure you are exaggerating, you say: if it was that bad, my good friends at the Crisis Group (motto: “crisis is our first name”) would have written about it. But they have: go find it. Google Cameroon. Anglophone. Ok, fine, lazyasses: here.
Anyway, you will recall that last year handsome Moussa defeated everybody’s favorite, Amina…what? How? Why did she lose? We wrote a whole article about it. It had something to do with Eritrean President Isaias Afwerki and his rhinoceros.
So the chairmanship of the African Union is rotated and the chairmanship/presidency of the African Union Commission is an elected post because even politicians who steal elections take their role as electors very seriously so that election can go for multiple rounds with the US and China pacing in the hallways like expectant fathers. Well, China wouldn’t be pacing because it wiretapped the whole building (“a gift from the people’s republic of china to the fraternal people of africa”, a quote I made up) and has been listening for years.
What else? We have an anthem. Africa has an anthem and Mugabe wanted you to know it. The anthem is called “colonialism, much?” No, but it should be: it is very (VERY VERY) European sounding:
The theme of the African Union for this year is “Investing in Agriculture for Economic Growth and Food Security.” No. Wait. That was 2009. This year it is “Fighting The Win Against Corruption” or something, look it up: I can’t do everything for you.
What else? Morocco is back. Decades ago, when the African Union accepted the Sahrawi Arab Democratic Republic (Polisario) as a member, Morocco left in a huff. 33 years later, it returned and the AU made not a single concession. If that reminds you of Eritrea leaving IGAD and AU in a huff and then coming back, well then, you are too Eritro-centric. Speaking of Morocco, the other claimant for the “Spanish Sahara” used to be Mauritania and for the umpteenth time, your continental congress is reminding it: “come on, can’t you give up this slavery thing?” And Mauritania practices political witchcraft that all your African leaders practice: deny, deny, deny.
The other big mess is South Sudan, with millions displaced and thousands dead. What do you do when two terrible people command armies that have more generals than the United States? No, not generals who achieved their stars by ordinary rules of war but because it was the only way to buy loyalties? Not much. The African Union, which spent most of its existence arguing against sanctions, is now proposing sanctions. How do you sanction warlords? You can’t.
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