Dear Abiy:
I want to start off by saying I hate men. They are useless, incompetent and exhausting. They serve no purpose except to procreate and to validate our superiority as women. When I meet a man I make a prediction: he will disappoint me, bore me or infuriate me. I’ve never been wrong. I’m sure you’re wondering what my question is but lest there be any doubt on my opinion of men, please know that under normal circumstances I would rather gouge my own eyes out and slowly eat them than ever defer an important decision to a man. Yet here we are under very unusual circumstances, no thanks to you. I have publicly declared the president of Eritrea an imbecile on social media. I also sometimes go to opposition meetings and take selfies with the Jebha flag. I now want to travel to Eritrea. Will I be safe from your bestie throwing me in a dungeon? Please advise.
Paranoid in Exile
Dear Paranoid:
Unless you participated in the 1998 Badme border conflict on behalf of the Weyane-controlled government against Eritrea and rejoiced at the deaths of 20,000 Eritreans fighting to protect a desolate border town, then the answer is probably no. Unlike most Eritreans, I feel safer travelling to Eritrea than to Switzerland.
The more important question is if the Minister of Tourism will degrade herself in the name of performative hospitality and make us coffee again on my next visit.
Yours truly,
Doctor, Prime Minister, Emperor-in-waiting Abiy
Dear Abiy:
Do you know when the man you call “Wedi Afey” will ask you if he can release the political prisoners? Asking for 15 friends.
Disappeared in Eraero
Dear Disappeared:
I take great offense to this question. I do not interfere in the domestic affairs of sovereign nations nor do I speak on behalf of other heads of state. Also, I am too busy making decisions for Eritrea’s infrastructure, trade agreements and representing Eritrea in foreign affairs to care about political prisoners that I can’t free and imprison again. While your nation of 3 million keeps me busier than mine of 100 million, my skills as an expert negotiator are exclusively reserved for the interests of and benefit of Ethiopia.
Stay tuned, all developments will be announced on state media. Ethiopia’s, of course.
Love,
Doctor, Prime Minister, Emperor-in-waiting Abiy
Dear Abiy:
The rabid hyenas that are PIA’s diaspora supporters are unusually withdrawn these days. At this rate it seems like they will be able to conduct their jubilees/propaganda tours/conferences in a phone booth. What should we expect of them during these uncertain times for Eritrea’s sovereignty?
Gloating in Glouchester
Dear Gloating:
There is nothing to gloat about. Yet. We haven’t even properly begun threatening Eritrea’s sovereignty. I have many more dreadful speeches and grand plans in my arsenal. Pun intended. But do not fear, we have every confidence that PIA’s supporters will find new and creative ways to justify the journey to Greater Ethiopia. They will not only support whatever PIA tells them, they will also be more Catholic than the pope and remind us all that we are and have always been one people. Of course this will require them to forget the 100K Eritreans that died fighting for your sacred independence but that’s neither here nor there.
Sit tight my friend, you will have many more opportunities to revel in your defeat soon.
Warmest Regards,
Doctor, Prime Minister, Emperor-in-waiting Abiy
Dear Abiye:
The Eritrean opposition has a motto: the enemy of my enemy is my enemy. This has replaced the old motto: why do today what you can expect someone else to do immediately at your command, usually a woman. That motto replaced the original one: if at first you don’t succeed, change nothing and keep doing exactly what you were doing to fail miserably. You have been called a progressive reformer. What can the Eritrean opposition do to usher in democracy and justice and liberate our non-land locked country of your flunky, PIA?
Defiant in Diaspora
Dear Defiant:
My life motto is annex while no one is watching and propose a new scramble for the Horn of Africa like you don’t have volatile ethnic conflicts brewing at home. Why would I offer advice to help a cause that will weaken my own? “Wedi Afey” has offered me Eritrea and I intend to reward him by annihilating the Eritrean identity and controlling your ports and economy while peddling the narrative of geopolitical unity. It’s the least I can do.
I suggest you consolidate your 2,912 opposition groups and learn how to conduct a meeting in under 7 hours before considering a revolution.
Cheers,
Doctor, Prime Minister, Emperor-in-waiting Abiy
ED: Doctor Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed has presented himself as a subject matter expert on all subjects. Our friend I.I. Justcan’t (who shall remain nameless for now, in case she has to travel to Addis by the time he becomes Isaias Afwerki) is curating your questions and anticipating his answers.
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