Dear Abiy:
Men have been in power during the entire trajectory of the Eritrea-Ethiopia conflict. Our history can be summed up by the failure of men to negotiate borders and to facilitate peace and prosperity. You have boisterously declared yourself a great negotiator but have been unable to demarcate and demilitarize the Badme border. You have promised economic stability in Ethiopia but have failed to address mass youth unemployment not to mention the national debt in Ethiopia is projected to be 63 billion US dollars in 2020. You have embraced a tyrant neighbor and deepened the mistrust and contempt Eritreans have of Ethiopia’s territorial ambitions. You have claimed that ethnic violence and TPLF’s concerns are just ‘communal issues’ to be ignored.
Are you just another narcissistic and ineffective man?
Not Rewarding Mediocrity
Mekelle, Ethiopia
Dear Mediocrity:
You have willfully ignored my accomplishments. By announcing the long awaited Eritrea and Ethiopia peace diversion, not only have I turned an enemy into an ally but in a marvelous twist of fate or deliberate goal (who is to say, really?) I have also marginalized TPLF. I have announced my plans to build a zoo so the ticket sales can eradicate Ethiopia’s poverty. I have read a book. I have also appointed several accomplished and brilliant women to key positions whose labor I will eventually exploit. I have secured UAE investment. I have accomplished in months what took previous Ethiopian rulers decades to fail to accomplish: getting Assab legally and without coercion.
Sincerely yours,
Abiy Ahmed, Prime Minister of all kilils
Dear Abiy:
You have announced that a navy is on your vision board. Eritreans are demanding to know why land-locked Ethiopia needs a navy.
Outraged in Assab
Dear Assab:
For the same reason Eritreans need a Minister of Justice. The difference is that we Ethiopians don’t ask questions we already know the answers to. Besides, how else is my brother Issu, President Isaias Afwerki, going to escape in the highly likely event he will need to unless I control the port?
Best regards,
Dr Abiy, Humanitarian-at-large
Dear Abiy:
March is recognized worldwide as Women’s History Month. Eritrea recognizes March 8th, International Women’s Day as a public holiday. Will Ethiopia do the same under your leadership?
Expecting the Worst of Men Everywhere,
Oakland, USA
Dear Expecting:
In Ethiopia we celebrate women every day by not indefinitely imprisoning them and children, raping National Service recruits and manipulating the only autonomous women’s organization to do the bidding of the male dominated ruling party.
Thanks for asking,
Reverend Dr Prime Minister Abiy
Dear Abiy:
The African Union has erected a statue of Haile Selassie in Addis Ababa in tribute to the Emperor’s anti-colonial legacy when he fled during the Italian occupation of Ethiopia and had to be escorted back and reinstalled onto his throne by the British. Given Africa’s urgent challenges like government corruption, poverty, disease and climate change, it’s astonishing that a statue was the AU’s priority. Obviously, Eritreans were outraged. Are you proud it happened on your watch?
Historically Accurate in Asmara
Dear Asmara:
What’s astonishing is that these ancient relics of leadership stayed awake during the unveiling. But when aren’t Eritreans outraged? Your time would be better spent crusading against your living oppressor instead of lamenting a statue of a dead one.
God speed,
Abiy, Conquering Lion of Asmara
Dear Abiy:
Are you familiar with PIA’s chief diaspora propaganda agent and proud, heartless hypocrite Sophia Tesfamariam ? Besides exploiting our youth and failing miserably to erase the successful efforts of Eritrean writers, activists and humanitarians, she provides absolutely zero value. Do you know why your bestie keeps trotting her out to deliver empty takes on critical issues when surely there are other competent and coherent puppets available? Could it be the ‘folly of ignorance’?
Skeptical in Segeneyti
Dear Skeptical:
Who?
Great chatting with you,
Abiy, Simply the best, better than all the rest
Dear Abiy:
Eritreans are concerned that you are not concerned with Eritreans. Why did you suggest that our militaries along with Djibouti’s be merged? Isaias, Eritrea’s Chief Commanding Officer, would never agree to this because in that scenario, Eritrea would be vulnerable and helpless to protect itself from…….well, you.
Enquiring from EDF
Dear EDF:
Sometimes I wonder if my tolerance for the gullible is infinite. Let me put it to you this way: if you and your friend are running from a bear, you don’t need to outrun the bear, you just need to outrun your friend. Your beef is with PIA, not with me. I’m just fulfilling the fantasies of all the Emperor’s before me that coincidentally align with…..well, your commanding officer.
Namaste,
Abiy, your CCO’s heir apparent
Dear Abiy,
I came across this number and would like to know your thoughts: 1,100,260. That’s the number of Eritreans who voted for independence from Ethiopia in April of 1993.
Remembering the Referendum
Edaga Hamus, Asmara
Dear Referendum:
Another day, another Eritrean griping about sovereignty. 0.002 % of the people can’t be wrong! Have you no sympathy for them? You should be trying to conduct a current census and valid polls instead of relying on 26 year old data or tallying votes from Youtube likes and dislikes.
Hope that helped,
Abiy, Data Scientist
Dear Abiy:
The definition of capitalism is ‘an economic and political system in which a country’s trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit, rather than by the state.’ You call yourself a capitalist but have not committed to privatizing Ethiopia’s banking institutions. Aren’t you contradicting yourself here?
Professor Fanta-hun Coke-atihun
Addis Abeba University
Dear Fantahun:
Sometimes I think only people that aren’t dictators are determined to misunderstand me. In the end all will be forgotten when I flood Asmara with birr. In the meantime I have to deal with the neglected Amhara’s, underrepresented Oromos and over represented Tigrayns. I also have to avert the forecast of Ethiopia becoming a failed state by 2030. I would appreciate a little support and space here.
Cheers, and see you at the graduation ceremony.
Dr Abiy, doctorate mercifully not from your university
In case it’s not obvious, the author of “Dr Abiy” column loathes men and is furious that we allow cars to drive themselves but refuse women autonomy over their bodies. She can usually be found waiting in vain for men to shut the &!%# up.
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