51. Gebretsadkan from Mekele asks: I am not in a video game arcade or the jungle but I keep hearing “Game Over” and “hyenas” a lot. Any suggestions?
Dr. Newitol: Don’t forget “thugs” although Habesha don’t know how to say even that and say “tugs.” In the US, the police use that word a lot to justify beating up black teenagers. Wait for them to be bored until they come up with another catchphrase.
52. Shiferaw from Debre Markos asks: An Eritrean organization named Red Sea Trading Corporation has opened an office at my city! Qey Baharchn is here! Are they an equal opportunity employer?
Dr. Newitol: You are in luck: they are! Do you have experience in contraband, smuggling, and keeping secrets? Then you are in: just make sure you get a letter of recommendation from somebody who knows somebody who knows Hagos Kisha.
53: Alemayehu from Fana Television asks: What’s up with Eritrean president’s schedule? He is coming, no he is not coming, yes he is coming. Any ideas how to cover news about him?
Dr. Newitol: You usually get the news before Eritrean state television does so I wouldn’t complain. Besides, you should know that Isaias Afwerki doesn’t like anything where he is not the main attraction so if there are other head of states like Gulleh and Omar Al-Beshir assume he won’t show up. Better yet, just follow Abiy Ahmed and if you see him getting all giddy like a girl in love, assume Isaias is coming.
54: Axmed from Somaliland asks: Why do you all East Africans pretend that Somaliland is not the only functional sub-Saharan State and why won’t you let us be a country? We were a country once, for like a month!
Dr. Newitol: We Africans love the sanctity of colonial treaties except when people, in a fit of Pan-Africanism, give it up. Have you considered declaring yourself a Russian republic?
55: Dimitry from St Petersberg: I was at the space station for 13 years. When I left, all I heard was Badme, Badme, Badme, demarcation, demarcation, demarcation. I returned yesterday, just to hear the BBC report on Ethiopia withdrawing its soldiers and I heard no reaction from Eritrea and Ethiopia. What am I missing?
Dr. Newitol: You are missing that there is no independent media in Eritrea and Ethiopia; they only report what their governments want them to. Right now, the government of Eritrea has forbidden talk of borders and demarcation: the focus is elsewhere. Something about Gameover, tugs and hyenas. It would help if Badme chose to start a conversation if she should be called Weizero or Weizerit: trivia sells.
56. Ariam from Asmara asks: whatever happened to Part 2 of President Isaias Afwerki’s interview?
Dr. Newitol: President Isaias noticed that Eritreans love Turkish soap operas serialized on Kana TV and your addiction to cliff-hangers and suspense. Besides, no offense, but you bore him: would it kill you to jump up and down, show some affection and yell “Issu! Issu! Issu!” and wave giant-sized pictures of his? This would happen:
57: Astuur from Mogadishu asks: what percentage of Somalia’s parliamentarians have dual citizenship in Europe, Canada and the United States?
Dr. Newitol: 100%. Thank u, next.
58: Hey, Akinwumi Adesina, here. Winner of the World Food Prize (2017) and Sunhak Peace Prize (2018) (thank you! thank you!) but that doesn’t matter. What matters is I am the president of AfDB and I have lent a lot of money to IGAD. Are these guys going to be around?
Dr. Newitol: Sorta. You know how Africans have Francophones and Anglophones? In East Africa you have or soon will have UAEites and Qatarites. Just get UAE and Qatar to co-sign their loans and you will be fine. Maybe.
59: Araarso from Bishoftu writes: One of the half-a-dozen OLF’s, the one chaired by Dawud Ibsa, refuses to disarm and has about 5,000 armed people. Wasn’t disarmament a condition of their return from Eritrea? Does Abiy Ahmed read agreements he negotiates?
Dr. Newitol: Well, that’s what Kissinger calls “constructive ambiguity”: maybe they agreed they should disarm, maybe they didn’t. Here’s Abiy Ahmed reading Kissinger:
60. Abiy-Wey-Mot from Bahr-Dar writes: I would like to nominate our Prime Minister for the Nobel Peace Prize for the way he handled those young soldiers who came to overthrow him by fiqr, erq and other good stuff and instructing them to do push-ups! That’s leadership!….
Dr. Newitol: I agree! Just make sure you get your petition signed by the same soldiers who are now serving up to 15 years in prison, where their push-up practice will come in very handy.
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